As I see it, one of my most important jobs as a father is to ensure my children grow up to be happy and healthy. I've read plenty of books on parenting and found many of them to be full of management techniques, instead of advice on how to nurture my children and help them enjoy their childhood. I think there is a simple and gentle method to raise children to be full of fun, but still well behaved, without resorting to the modern way of long lists of rules complete with charts and tables. This article covers the essentials of building a good relationship with your child, the first step to ensuring good behavior.
The best piece of advice I ever read about ensuring a child behaves well, was: "make the child love you, then simply be, in his presence, what you want him to be." If you already enjoy a good relationship, there may be no need to "make the child love you" ? you simply set the example you want the child to follow. But for anyone who suspects there is room for improvement, here's the answer to the question: How do you make your child love you? It all begins with you.
If you love yourself and are comfortable in your own company, you radiate a certain calmness. A simple affirmation along the lines of "I like myself, I feel good about my life" can be a starting point, but this is the subject of another article. When you have a positive attitude about yourself, it becomes much easier to cultivate a positive attitude towards your child. This involves simply expecting them to do well, being happy to spend time in their company and showing pride in their achievements. Routinely look for the good in them and praise it.
If you have the habit of regularly thinking about all the things that make your child special, fun to be with, and why you are so glad to be their parent, it shows. Your attitude, your love for them, comes across in all sorts of unintentional, unconscious ways. The child picks up on this and feels encouraged in his good behavior. There are many intangible things which show a child that they are loved and accepted just as they are. For instance, whenever your child approaches you, you automatically smile at them.
They can tell you're glad to see them and happy to spend a little time with them. Contrast this with the father who is interrupted reading the newspaper and looks up with an irritated expression. He doesn't have to actually say the words "What do you want?" for the child to feel the rejection.
A smile would have given the child a boost; the frown makes him uneasy. The newspaper is obviously far more important than he is. A few moments spent being genuinely interested in the child's play or concerns goes a long way to nurturing a bond which is the basis for the child wanting to emulate the parent. Many parents naturally have a positive attitude towards themselves and their children. It shows in the relaxed, warm relationship they enjoy with their kids. Once the child is secure in the knowledge that on a deep, fundamental level, they are loved - the job is half done.
The other half is entirely down to how the parent conducts themselves. Kindness, respect for others and patience can all be learned by a child without any formal lessons, just so long as the parent is consistent in their own behavior and sets the example they wish their children to follow. There are a few golden rules, the first of which has to be: don't let your child see you lose your cool.
Never lie to your children or say something in their hearing which they know not to be true. If correction is required, speak to your child gently, in private if possible, and certainly not in a fit of temper. A child who loves and respects his parents naturally wants to emulate them; all you have to do is make sure you behave in the way you want your child to behave.
Father to three boys, Brendan McKeogh publishes articles and books on relationships and parenting. You can obtain a free series of extracts from one of his publications by visiting http://www.classicparentingsecrets.com